A few years ago,December 2003 to be precise, a major even occured in my personal life. I had what I call a nervous breakdown, and I know it's not a "medical term" but it's the best way I know how to describe what happened to me.
Basically, I ended up being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I can honestly say that my breakdown was one of the best things that ever happened to me, because the many months of intense and concentrated therapy, brought to the surface things long buried and also in facing the demons that needed facing, and knowing that I wasn't the only person on the planet who felt and thought the way that I thought, was cleansing. My breakdown also, thanks to therapy, finally taught me to speak up for myself, to acknowledge that I'm not a super human and that my faults are not as earthshattering as I thought them to be.
I also learned that I have suffered from this disorder all of my life (most likely) which made sense as I looked back in hindsight at peroids of my life that were particularly hellish. It was so relieving to discover these things!
That said, for the last couple of weeks I've been feeling the symptoms of a depressive episode coming on, and like an idiot, decided to not so much ignore them, but to think that things wouldn't be as bad as they were in 2003. I had a few minor episodes since 2003, the most serious being when I took Chantix to quit smoking, one cannot do that with Depressive Disorder and I still thank God for my friend Jason staying on the phone with me till 3AM. For the most part, however, the few episodes of "depression" I've had after the breakdown, have been minor and treatable without having to go to therapy or take Prozac. However, the last few weeks have felt different, my moods swinging all Tarzan like, body aches, headaches and the extreme tiredness; all signs that something big is on the offing. I chose to ignore them and this morning the scale tipped into the blackness.
Which frightens the hell out of me, because I don't ever want to go through another 2003. Even though I can look back on it and be grateful that it happened, being in the thick of it was pure and painful Hell. Getting to the other side of it, all of those long months was the hardest thing I have ever done, the most painful thing I've ever done and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I suppose that I really shouldn't be shocked that this happened, given all of the changes that have happened in my life this year. It's not that I'm complaining about the changes, I'm not. They have been wonderful changes, but the brain of someone who has my disorder is wired a little differently than others and changes, especially those coming in rapid succession and throw someone like me off kilter. You see, I need time to deal with any change, good or bad.
The biggest change has been to my marital status...a HUGE change. I love Mike, love him very, very much, it's not that I don't. It's all me, you see. It's a ginormous change, going from a single parent for 12 years, to a married woman in the course of 7 months, and becoming an at home mom at the same time. I know that this has been a huge change for Mike as well. I have loved the change, there have been a couple of rough patches, but nothing serious. Then I had a death in the family recently, something that I am still dealing with and the fact that my mother is going to have her knee replaced on the 20th has me afraid, more afraid than I normally would be. I know my aunt's death, the suddeness of it in surgery, is why I'm afraid for my mother. The fact that she has diabetes doesn't help either. Normally, I cope well, just not this time and it's all because of the way my brain is wired. Then there are the daily worries, things that I've had to be hypervigilant about for the last few years, that I can relax about now...as soon as I figure out how to do that...this for the most part is tied to my not having to go it alone anymore. And I'm so used to going it alone. It's stressful, learning to to share the responsibilities, toilet cleaning jokes aside.
So Mike took me to the doctor today, and I'm starting my Prozac again. I just have to hang on until the meds kick in, and I'm pretty sure I can. I know that I have to make sure I eat, that I get out of bed and dress, make sure I keep to my normal schedule and make sure that I take care of myself. This too shall pass, this episode in life.
It's just so frustrating.
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Know it All Children and My Mate's Driving Habits
Since when did my children become the experts on everything? It seems that they have answers to all of life's problems and don't hesitate to share them, voluntarily that is, with me and occasionally my husband.
Mind you, this sharing of knowledge is unasked for by me, and Mike. It also comes in the form of lectures about our vices; I drink too much coffee and am addicted to drugs, apparently, since I smoke cigarettes. I'm also "old" and can't sing.
My favorite unasked for advice comes from my eldest daughter, Katie, when we are in the car. I'm driving, and my 15 year-old, who has never driven and most likely will get lost going around the corner, insists on giving me driving directions. When I started refering to has as Kate-Kate, after the Tom-Tom GPS system, I did so in the hopes that my sarcasm would relay to her that her unsolicited advice was obnoxious and annoying as all hell. I figured that since she knew everything, she'd pick up on it and adjust her behavior.
Not so, sadly, as she merely giggled and continued to relay her instructions from the back seat.
Mike says that he wonders where she gets her backseat driver gene from, this a not so cleverly veiled reference to the fact that I backseat drive when Mike is driving. I give him a sideways look, a middle finger salute and a "fuck you Thiac", which makes him laugh. I HAVE to backseat drive with Mike because he drives like a cop, ie: maniacally. He also rides his brake in heavy traffic and downloads his Mark Levin, and Rush Limbaugh to his phone when he drives. He's also been known to mapquest things on his phone enroute, as opposed to doing it at home BEFORE setting out to where it is we are going.
I still have nightmares about our first "date date", when we met up with Al, Claude and Christina at the Abita Brew Pub, and him driving on the twisty roads that led us to Abita, and Mike driving and mucking about with his cell phone at the same time. I was convinced that I was going to die, and yet didn't say a word to him because I wanted the relationship to progress. I do believe that my body language was screaming "PLEASE SLOW THE HELL DOWN AND PUT BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL ON THIS DARK TWISTY ROAD BEFORE YOU ORPHAN MY CHILDREN!!" but Mike was too busy driving and texting to notice. Either that or he was being purposly obtuse. By the time we got to the pub, I threw myself out of the cab of the pick-up like I was fleeing from a serial killer and lit a cigarette. Then I went in and ordered a martini, which I drank in record time, then proceeded to order the biggest ale I could get my hands on.
I kept my eyes closed on the trip home, which involved crossing the 24 mile long Causeway over Lake Pontchartrain, which is pitch black at night and cold in December. There are baracuda in Lake Ponchartrain and fish and ever since Jaws, I've had this aversion to open waters. I didn't want to see us plunge into the dark depths, in case Mike's phone activites led to us plunging.
Since I obviously survived the trip (this isn't a zombie blog) and Mike and I are together 4evah, it all worked out. He still drives like a lunatic, and I still backseat drive, which annoys the living hell out of Mike. We've even snapped at each other on occasion, and so on long trips I try to sleep, or at least recline my seat back and pray. On the short trips, I bite my tongue, sometimes successfully, sometimes not.
As for my know it all children, I sometimes can't get a word in edgewise, because before I finish a sentence I get the "I Know, I know" reply, which makes me see red. Since the state frowns upon the use of Tazers on one's offspring, I am limited to growling at the children and occasonally resorting to the standard line that all "old" people like me use; "It must be nice to know everything. Why don't you go get a job and support me, since you already know it all, and I will go back to school."
Oh God, I am my parents!
Mind you, this sharing of knowledge is unasked for by me, and Mike. It also comes in the form of lectures about our vices; I drink too much coffee and am addicted to drugs, apparently, since I smoke cigarettes. I'm also "old" and can't sing.
My favorite unasked for advice comes from my eldest daughter, Katie, when we are in the car. I'm driving, and my 15 year-old, who has never driven and most likely will get lost going around the corner, insists on giving me driving directions. When I started refering to has as Kate-Kate, after the Tom-Tom GPS system, I did so in the hopes that my sarcasm would relay to her that her unsolicited advice was obnoxious and annoying as all hell. I figured that since she knew everything, she'd pick up on it and adjust her behavior.
Not so, sadly, as she merely giggled and continued to relay her instructions from the back seat.
Mike says that he wonders where she gets her backseat driver gene from, this a not so cleverly veiled reference to the fact that I backseat drive when Mike is driving. I give him a sideways look, a middle finger salute and a "fuck you Thiac", which makes him laugh. I HAVE to backseat drive with Mike because he drives like a cop, ie: maniacally. He also rides his brake in heavy traffic and downloads his Mark Levin, and Rush Limbaugh to his phone when he drives. He's also been known to mapquest things on his phone enroute, as opposed to doing it at home BEFORE setting out to where it is we are going.
I still have nightmares about our first "date date", when we met up with Al, Claude and Christina at the Abita Brew Pub, and him driving on the twisty roads that led us to Abita, and Mike driving and mucking about with his cell phone at the same time. I was convinced that I was going to die, and yet didn't say a word to him because I wanted the relationship to progress. I do believe that my body language was screaming "PLEASE SLOW THE HELL DOWN AND PUT BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL ON THIS DARK TWISTY ROAD BEFORE YOU ORPHAN MY CHILDREN!!" but Mike was too busy driving and texting to notice. Either that or he was being purposly obtuse. By the time we got to the pub, I threw myself out of the cab of the pick-up like I was fleeing from a serial killer and lit a cigarette. Then I went in and ordered a martini, which I drank in record time, then proceeded to order the biggest ale I could get my hands on.
I kept my eyes closed on the trip home, which involved crossing the 24 mile long Causeway over Lake Pontchartrain, which is pitch black at night and cold in December. There are baracuda in Lake Ponchartrain and fish and ever since Jaws, I've had this aversion to open waters. I didn't want to see us plunge into the dark depths, in case Mike's phone activites led to us plunging.
Since I obviously survived the trip (this isn't a zombie blog) and Mike and I are together 4evah, it all worked out. He still drives like a lunatic, and I still backseat drive, which annoys the living hell out of Mike. We've even snapped at each other on occasion, and so on long trips I try to sleep, or at least recline my seat back and pray. On the short trips, I bite my tongue, sometimes successfully, sometimes not.
As for my know it all children, I sometimes can't get a word in edgewise, because before I finish a sentence I get the "I Know, I know" reply, which makes me see red. Since the state frowns upon the use of Tazers on one's offspring, I am limited to growling at the children and occasonally resorting to the standard line that all "old" people like me use; "It must be nice to know everything. Why don't you go get a job and support me, since you already know it all, and I will go back to school."
Oh God, I am my parents!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Oh Jebus, It's Cold!
I was born in New Orleans, raised in New Orleans and now live in Houston. I love the south, love the culture, the history, the people, the food and the weather.
I'm not loving it so much today, as it's 30ish degrees outside. Sunny, but too damn cold for this steel magnolia!
I can't imagine living where it gets down to -14 degrees during the day and colder at night! How do humans function in that? I know that they have coats, heaters and snow tires, but how can one function when one's toes are numb and one's ears are so cold that they feel hard enough to be used as an anvil, and that's with a hat covering them!
As I sit here, in my toasty den, sipping a hot cup of coffee, I'm watching the weather on FNC. Janice Dean is talking about the record snow, and showing scenes featuring snow blowers, ice encrusted cars and the roof of the Metrodome collapsing under the weight of the snow (this collapse makes me wonder why the builders would put a cloth roof on a building...don't they realize that they live in snow prone parts of the nation and that snow is heavy!)
Naturally, my children, who have never had to drive in snow (I did once or twice when we had freak snow in New Orleans and Houston) are wishing for snow here this season. They are jealous of the fact that the kids up north don't have school. I cheerfully explained to them that unless there were blizzards, the kids went to school in the snow, every day. They aren't so jealous anymore.
The kids are appreciative of the fact that I'm an at home mom now, as they both got driven to school today. Normally I make them take the bus, no matter the weather, as I believe that standing in the cold and rain, or heat and humidity are charater building, but even I have some mercy for my obnoxious teenager and my tough 11 year old tomboy! If I were still working, they'd have to take the bus today, and it's too darn cold; they each are also coming down with colds and our health insurance hasn't kicked in yet. Adele, the youngest has a thermos of chicken noodle soup in her lunch box. I just can't see the kids eating cold sandwiches on a day like this.
I'm all for a nice chilly day during the winter season, especially at Christmas time, but by chilly I don't mean 32 degrees. I mean 65 degrees...just cold enough to wear a sweater and my fur coat; or a shortsleeved mock tutrleneck and my fur coat. I really don't want a white Christmas, slim as those chances are, this year...or any damn year for that matter. I want my Christmas to be sunny and a nice balmy 65 or so degrees. Because this is the south, for crying out loud, and this magnolia is freezing!
I'm not loving it so much today, as it's 30ish degrees outside. Sunny, but too damn cold for this steel magnolia!
I can't imagine living where it gets down to -14 degrees during the day and colder at night! How do humans function in that? I know that they have coats, heaters and snow tires, but how can one function when one's toes are numb and one's ears are so cold that they feel hard enough to be used as an anvil, and that's with a hat covering them!
As I sit here, in my toasty den, sipping a hot cup of coffee, I'm watching the weather on FNC. Janice Dean is talking about the record snow, and showing scenes featuring snow blowers, ice encrusted cars and the roof of the Metrodome collapsing under the weight of the snow (this collapse makes me wonder why the builders would put a cloth roof on a building...don't they realize that they live in snow prone parts of the nation and that snow is heavy!)
Naturally, my children, who have never had to drive in snow (I did once or twice when we had freak snow in New Orleans and Houston) are wishing for snow here this season. They are jealous of the fact that the kids up north don't have school. I cheerfully explained to them that unless there were blizzards, the kids went to school in the snow, every day. They aren't so jealous anymore.
The kids are appreciative of the fact that I'm an at home mom now, as they both got driven to school today. Normally I make them take the bus, no matter the weather, as I believe that standing in the cold and rain, or heat and humidity are charater building, but even I have some mercy for my obnoxious teenager and my tough 11 year old tomboy! If I were still working, they'd have to take the bus today, and it's too darn cold; they each are also coming down with colds and our health insurance hasn't kicked in yet. Adele, the youngest has a thermos of chicken noodle soup in her lunch box. I just can't see the kids eating cold sandwiches on a day like this.
I'm all for a nice chilly day during the winter season, especially at Christmas time, but by chilly I don't mean 32 degrees. I mean 65 degrees...just cold enough to wear a sweater and my fur coat; or a shortsleeved mock tutrleneck and my fur coat. I really don't want a white Christmas, slim as those chances are, this year...or any damn year for that matter. I want my Christmas to be sunny and a nice balmy 65 or so degrees. Because this is the south, for crying out loud, and this magnolia is freezing!
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