I am sitting in the den, the Christmas tree is lit and the house is quiet. I'm all snug and warm in my robe, sipping cofee and listening to FNC. I'm mostly thinking about this year and everything that's happened; how fast it's flown by!
I remember, that as a child, time crept by very slowly. I would count down the number of days till my next birthday, the year between my 15th and 16th moved slowest of all years for me. I always looked forward to the Christmas holidays, two solid weeks off of school and presents under the tree! Christmas was always wonderful at home, mom and dad went overboard with presents, there wasn't anything that we asked Santa for that we didn't get.
I still remember the year I got my first microscope and chemistry set. That was also the year I got the ventriloquist dummy I'd had my eye on for months. I got quite good at throwing my voice with him and kept him around for years. I don't rememember what I did with him though, I may have sold him at a garage sale when I outgrew him, in other words, when I thought it was uncool of me to have a dummy. This would have been around the age of 16, when I got vain and a bit shallow. In hindsight, I should have kept him around, but the past is another country, and they do things differently there.
Years have passed, Christmas desires have changed and I'm a mother now; a mother to a 15 year-old and an 11 year-old. Both daughters are a lot like me in many ways; anxious to grow up and have all of the things that they think teenagers should have. My 15 year-old will turn 16 in February, and she's spent the last few months arguing the finer points of why she needs a cell phone and a car with me and Mike. My 11 year-old was visited by mother nature on Christmas morning. I didn't think that having my baby get her first menses would make me cry, but it did.
They are growing up so damn fast.
On the other hand, I've started thinking about them growing up and actually moving out. Not that I want to rush them along, but these thoughts have led me to thinking about what I want to do for myself this coming year.
2010 wrought huge changes to my life, to Mike's life and to the kid's lives too. I moved back to Houston from New Orleans, moved in with my "husband"; into my first house ever. I've had to adjust to homemaking in a 4 bedroom house with a front and back lawn, this from always just having a smallish apartment to care for.
I've had to get used to having a partner to work with and answer to. Before I made all of the decisions myself. This hasn't been all that difficult, Mike and I think quite a bit alike and he's so reasonable that it's easy to reach compromises. My first marriage was quite a bit different.
I've adjusted better than I thought I would, as have the girls. They love their step father and he loves them too. I thought that it would be a rough go at first, especially getting used to sharing a bathroom and a bed; a life with another adult. It was easier, or has been easier, than I thought it would. I can't imagine being anywhere else but here or having anyone but Mike by my side.
Last New Year's Eve, I spent on my sofa with a bottle of Moet and Chandon, watching Bridget Joneses Diary, while Mike was far away in Houston working. He's working this year too, but he will be home at his normal time, and we will ring in the new year on the front porch with a neighbor, smoking a cigar and sipping scotch. I have a bottle of Veuve Clicqout chilling in the fridge for midnight and the start of 2011.
As for what I have planned for next year? Well, I don't do resolutions, as I always break them. I do make a list of Things to Do in (insert year here). In 2011 I have decided to do the following:
1. Quit smoking. It really is time to do this. I am sick of being tied to the addiction and I really hate the way smell after I smoke. I also don't want to die from cancer.
2. Go to the health club we belong to, everyday except Sunday. My goal is to lose 10 pounds and get buff. I'd really love a set of feminine looking washboard abs, and my arse has been affected by gravity in more ways than I care to consider. This must change!
3. Get my motorcycle endorsement. I love riding bitch and all, but I really want to ride my own bike too. Mike gave me his old bike when he got his Harley, and the Kawasaki is just sitting in the garage looking all forlorn.
4. Get my concealed carry permit. Question is, do I want a Sig or a Glock? Decisions. Decisions.
5. Paint the entire upstairs of the house. This includes redecorating the master bedroom. I know what I want to do in the room, and it's going to look awesome! I only need about $1500 to do it. Very reasonable, I think.
6. Make wedding plans. True, I can't set a date until the annulment goes through (Catholicisim!), but I can start budgeting and looking at venues. I have a gown picked out, and hopefully it will go on sale! Still, for all of it's beauty, the gown is less than a thousand dollars, but a sale would be awesome too!
7. Go back to school. I want to study nursing, but need to knock out some pre-requsites first. I will work and go to school to get these knocked out. Once I get accepted into nursing school, I will have to go full time, which means no working a job. Mike is totally cool with this. He's so awesome.
That's it so far. I'm sure I will add more to the list as the week winds down. What is on your list of things to do in 2011?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Knees and Early Morning Heart Palpitations...
If you were raised properly, then you were taught that one doesn't make phone calls before the hour of 9am or after 10pm. Early morning or late night calls, I was told are either, 1. rude or 2. harbingers of death or illness, so you can imagine how my heart started beating faster when my phone rang at 7:30 this morning.
My mother had her knee replaced on the 20th, and things went downhill after the surgery, she had a bad reaction to the morphine and spent 3 days following the surgery very ill. She didn't know what she was saying half the time, and why she was in the hospital, unless one of her wonderful nurses talked her into awareness. It was very scary for me to see my mother like this.
There was talk amongst her doctors, about putting her into the rehab center at the hospital, so that she could be monitored and get a really great kickstart on her physical therapy. I was all for this, anything to help mom, but on Christmas day she went home, and we decided to put our traditional Christmas celebration off until this week.
Monday evening, daddy called me and told me that mom was back in the hospital, that her knee was infected and they didn't know what it was. Oh. Joy. Mother does so love hospitals. That and I had flashbacks of knee replacements past, and their complications.
Dad called me yesterday with an update, the fact that she was responding well to the antibiotics and pain meds, made me feel better and the only reason I didn't go see her yesterday was the fact that I was feverish and muddleheaded. I figured that it wouldn't be a good thing to pass along anymore germs to mother, the knee hurts her enough and I didn't want to add to it with a head cold.
So this morning, I am up and in the back yard having a cigarette (Yes, with a head cold. I know. I know.) and the phone rings...not my cell, but the house phone. No one but family has the house phone number and it was 7:30am! I dashed into the house, heart pounding and answer.
On the other end were the dulcet, cheerful, well rested tones of my mother!
"Hi honey, what are you doing?" she asked.
"Mom! I almost had a heart attack! It's 7:30!" I panted in reply.
"Oh, I'm sorry!"
"No,mom. It's okay, I'm so happy to hear your voice! You sound so wonderful!"
And she did sound wonderful. Apparently they've found a good combination of pain meds for her (she has reactions to certain things) and she slept "like a baby". The infection appears to be clearing up as well. They are going to keep her in the hospital for another day at least, but it's looking good. My heart is also beating normally again.
My mother had her knee replaced on the 20th, and things went downhill after the surgery, she had a bad reaction to the morphine and spent 3 days following the surgery very ill. She didn't know what she was saying half the time, and why she was in the hospital, unless one of her wonderful nurses talked her into awareness. It was very scary for me to see my mother like this.
There was talk amongst her doctors, about putting her into the rehab center at the hospital, so that she could be monitored and get a really great kickstart on her physical therapy. I was all for this, anything to help mom, but on Christmas day she went home, and we decided to put our traditional Christmas celebration off until this week.
Monday evening, daddy called me and told me that mom was back in the hospital, that her knee was infected and they didn't know what it was. Oh. Joy. Mother does so love hospitals. That and I had flashbacks of knee replacements past, and their complications.
Dad called me yesterday with an update, the fact that she was responding well to the antibiotics and pain meds, made me feel better and the only reason I didn't go see her yesterday was the fact that I was feverish and muddleheaded. I figured that it wouldn't be a good thing to pass along anymore germs to mother, the knee hurts her enough and I didn't want to add to it with a head cold.
So this morning, I am up and in the back yard having a cigarette (Yes, with a head cold. I know. I know.) and the phone rings...not my cell, but the house phone. No one but family has the house phone number and it was 7:30am! I dashed into the house, heart pounding and answer.
On the other end were the dulcet, cheerful, well rested tones of my mother!
"Hi honey, what are you doing?" she asked.
"Mom! I almost had a heart attack! It's 7:30!" I panted in reply.
"Oh, I'm sorry!"
"No,mom. It's okay, I'm so happy to hear your voice! You sound so wonderful!"
And she did sound wonderful. Apparently they've found a good combination of pain meds for her (she has reactions to certain things) and she slept "like a baby". The infection appears to be clearing up as well. They are going to keep her in the hospital for another day at least, but it's looking good. My heart is also beating normally again.
Friday, December 24, 2010
And So This Is Christmas...
“An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
~Luke 2:9-12
~Luke 2:9-12
Saturday, December 18, 2010
When The Hawtness Cools...
There comes a time in a relationship when the hawtness begins to cool, things get tepid and don't work as they should. One has to ask oneself if a newer model is in order, or should one stick it out for a little while longer. There is something comfortable in staying with the familiar. You know the familiar and how it works, it's dependability; it's constancy. One hesitates in getting rid of the old, out of comfort perhaps, or fear that a newer model won't satisfy as much as the old. Yet you know that the day will eventally come when, in either a fit of anger or just calm realization, the old is eschewed and the new brought in and unveiled.
You will play with your new toy, admire the shiny newness of it all and wonder why you kept that old thing around for as long as you did. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, when some of the shininess starts to wear off, you will miss the old; but not too much, it's nostalga after all and the newer is better in spite of the patience and time required in breaking in your new toy.
For weeks now, I've been hesitating to say anything, dreading the day that I new would soon come. This morning was the day. It is time.
The hotness is gone, and can only be gotten back with special attention. I am sick of the tepid, the slowness, the extra effort and the sloppiness of it all! I've decided. I will tell Mike this morning, after he wakes up....I simply cannot take this anymore.
We need a new coffee maker.
You will play with your new toy, admire the shiny newness of it all and wonder why you kept that old thing around for as long as you did. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, when some of the shininess starts to wear off, you will miss the old; but not too much, it's nostalga after all and the newer is better in spite of the patience and time required in breaking in your new toy.
For weeks now, I've been hesitating to say anything, dreading the day that I new would soon come. This morning was the day. It is time.
The hotness is gone, and can only be gotten back with special attention. I am sick of the tepid, the slowness, the extra effort and the sloppiness of it all! I've decided. I will tell Mike this morning, after he wakes up....I simply cannot take this anymore.
We need a new coffee maker.
Friday, December 17, 2010
History's Mysteries
This falls under the category of, "wow, that's cool!".
The Sea Gave Her Back
According to the article, she is a truly beautiful piece of work, and her sandals are especially lovely, very detailed.
On of the things on my list of places to visit in retirement, is Pompey. Israel is another.
One of the things that I really love about living in Houston is the Fine Arts Museum. The institution has works that range from religious art painted on wood that date back to medieval times, to Picasso and Kandinsky. One of my favorite halls contains marble statues from ancient Greece, Rome and Egypt. We even have a few sarcophogy, one of which has an interior painted in vivid color and hyroglyphs...it looks like it was painted yesterday.
Last year, the museum featured the exibition "Pompey", which I attended with my friend Donna and my impatient 10 year-old. It was such a moving and facinating exibition, one where we got to see not only some of the plaster casts taken from the "impressions" left by Vesuvious' victims, but everyday items like urns and perfume jars. The two things that left me gobsmacked were; the doctor's kits, complete with scalpels, forceps, tweezers and needles for stitching. The gobsmack factor was that they looked like modern instruments, only they were made of gold or silver. The second was the fine detail of the impressions of the dead.
There was one of a family, all huddled together, mom holding her infant child to her in protection. You could see the sutures on the baby's skull and their mouths opened as if they died screaming. It moved me to tears, this pitieous sight of death in terror. The man trying to protect his family, futilely, wondering what the gods were so offended by, wondering why the world was ending.
It was an incredible exibition, second only to the Tutankamen exibit I was lucky enough to see when it toured the U.S. back in the 70's. I will never forget that either. I was amazed at the workmanship and detail that went into the art and everyday implements that this culture provided it's royalty. I've loved ancient culture ever since I met King Tut.
Now we have another addition, long lost, to the treasures from ancient history. I'm glad of it and can't wait to see it for myself.
The Sea Gave Her Back
According to the article, she is a truly beautiful piece of work, and her sandals are especially lovely, very detailed.
On of the things on my list of places to visit in retirement, is Pompey. Israel is another.
One of the things that I really love about living in Houston is the Fine Arts Museum. The institution has works that range from religious art painted on wood that date back to medieval times, to Picasso and Kandinsky. One of my favorite halls contains marble statues from ancient Greece, Rome and Egypt. We even have a few sarcophogy, one of which has an interior painted in vivid color and hyroglyphs...it looks like it was painted yesterday.
Last year, the museum featured the exibition "Pompey", which I attended with my friend Donna and my impatient 10 year-old. It was such a moving and facinating exibition, one where we got to see not only some of the plaster casts taken from the "impressions" left by Vesuvious' victims, but everyday items like urns and perfume jars. The two things that left me gobsmacked were; the doctor's kits, complete with scalpels, forceps, tweezers and needles for stitching. The gobsmack factor was that they looked like modern instruments, only they were made of gold or silver. The second was the fine detail of the impressions of the dead.
There was one of a family, all huddled together, mom holding her infant child to her in protection. You could see the sutures on the baby's skull and their mouths opened as if they died screaming. It moved me to tears, this pitieous sight of death in terror. The man trying to protect his family, futilely, wondering what the gods were so offended by, wondering why the world was ending.
It was an incredible exibition, second only to the Tutankamen exibit I was lucky enough to see when it toured the U.S. back in the 70's. I will never forget that either. I was amazed at the workmanship and detail that went into the art and everyday implements that this culture provided it's royalty. I've loved ancient culture ever since I met King Tut.
Now we have another addition, long lost, to the treasures from ancient history. I'm glad of it and can't wait to see it for myself.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Latest Salvo Fired by Nanny Staters...
Found this while getting my morning update.
Some people really shouldn't reproduce, and I'm not shocked that this comes from a lefty. It's not about money, it's about control. It's about power.
As one commenter stated on a blog, McDonald's should just close the restaurants in these areas and tell the people affected by the closing to go thank people like this Monet chick for the loss of their jobs.
JammieWearingFool
Some people really shouldn't reproduce, and I'm not shocked that this comes from a lefty. It's not about money, it's about control. It's about power.
As one commenter stated on a blog, McDonald's should just close the restaurants in these areas and tell the people affected by the closing to go thank people like this Monet chick for the loss of their jobs.
JammieWearingFool
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
An Ongoing Struggle...
A few years ago,December 2003 to be precise, a major even occured in my personal life. I had what I call a nervous breakdown, and I know it's not a "medical term" but it's the best way I know how to describe what happened to me.
Basically, I ended up being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I can honestly say that my breakdown was one of the best things that ever happened to me, because the many months of intense and concentrated therapy, brought to the surface things long buried and also in facing the demons that needed facing, and knowing that I wasn't the only person on the planet who felt and thought the way that I thought, was cleansing. My breakdown also, thanks to therapy, finally taught me to speak up for myself, to acknowledge that I'm not a super human and that my faults are not as earthshattering as I thought them to be.
I also learned that I have suffered from this disorder all of my life (most likely) which made sense as I looked back in hindsight at peroids of my life that were particularly hellish. It was so relieving to discover these things!
That said, for the last couple of weeks I've been feeling the symptoms of a depressive episode coming on, and like an idiot, decided to not so much ignore them, but to think that things wouldn't be as bad as they were in 2003. I had a few minor episodes since 2003, the most serious being when I took Chantix to quit smoking, one cannot do that with Depressive Disorder and I still thank God for my friend Jason staying on the phone with me till 3AM. For the most part, however, the few episodes of "depression" I've had after the breakdown, have been minor and treatable without having to go to therapy or take Prozac. However, the last few weeks have felt different, my moods swinging all Tarzan like, body aches, headaches and the extreme tiredness; all signs that something big is on the offing. I chose to ignore them and this morning the scale tipped into the blackness.
Which frightens the hell out of me, because I don't ever want to go through another 2003. Even though I can look back on it and be grateful that it happened, being in the thick of it was pure and painful Hell. Getting to the other side of it, all of those long months was the hardest thing I have ever done, the most painful thing I've ever done and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I suppose that I really shouldn't be shocked that this happened, given all of the changes that have happened in my life this year. It's not that I'm complaining about the changes, I'm not. They have been wonderful changes, but the brain of someone who has my disorder is wired a little differently than others and changes, especially those coming in rapid succession and throw someone like me off kilter. You see, I need time to deal with any change, good or bad.
The biggest change has been to my marital status...a HUGE change. I love Mike, love him very, very much, it's not that I don't. It's all me, you see. It's a ginormous change, going from a single parent for 12 years, to a married woman in the course of 7 months, and becoming an at home mom at the same time. I know that this has been a huge change for Mike as well. I have loved the change, there have been a couple of rough patches, but nothing serious. Then I had a death in the family recently, something that I am still dealing with and the fact that my mother is going to have her knee replaced on the 20th has me afraid, more afraid than I normally would be. I know my aunt's death, the suddeness of it in surgery, is why I'm afraid for my mother. The fact that she has diabetes doesn't help either. Normally, I cope well, just not this time and it's all because of the way my brain is wired. Then there are the daily worries, things that I've had to be hypervigilant about for the last few years, that I can relax about now...as soon as I figure out how to do that...this for the most part is tied to my not having to go it alone anymore. And I'm so used to going it alone. It's stressful, learning to to share the responsibilities, toilet cleaning jokes aside.
So Mike took me to the doctor today, and I'm starting my Prozac again. I just have to hang on until the meds kick in, and I'm pretty sure I can. I know that I have to make sure I eat, that I get out of bed and dress, make sure I keep to my normal schedule and make sure that I take care of myself. This too shall pass, this episode in life.
It's just so frustrating.
Basically, I ended up being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I can honestly say that my breakdown was one of the best things that ever happened to me, because the many months of intense and concentrated therapy, brought to the surface things long buried and also in facing the demons that needed facing, and knowing that I wasn't the only person on the planet who felt and thought the way that I thought, was cleansing. My breakdown also, thanks to therapy, finally taught me to speak up for myself, to acknowledge that I'm not a super human and that my faults are not as earthshattering as I thought them to be.
I also learned that I have suffered from this disorder all of my life (most likely) which made sense as I looked back in hindsight at peroids of my life that were particularly hellish. It was so relieving to discover these things!
That said, for the last couple of weeks I've been feeling the symptoms of a depressive episode coming on, and like an idiot, decided to not so much ignore them, but to think that things wouldn't be as bad as they were in 2003. I had a few minor episodes since 2003, the most serious being when I took Chantix to quit smoking, one cannot do that with Depressive Disorder and I still thank God for my friend Jason staying on the phone with me till 3AM. For the most part, however, the few episodes of "depression" I've had after the breakdown, have been minor and treatable without having to go to therapy or take Prozac. However, the last few weeks have felt different, my moods swinging all Tarzan like, body aches, headaches and the extreme tiredness; all signs that something big is on the offing. I chose to ignore them and this morning the scale tipped into the blackness.
Which frightens the hell out of me, because I don't ever want to go through another 2003. Even though I can look back on it and be grateful that it happened, being in the thick of it was pure and painful Hell. Getting to the other side of it, all of those long months was the hardest thing I have ever done, the most painful thing I've ever done and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I suppose that I really shouldn't be shocked that this happened, given all of the changes that have happened in my life this year. It's not that I'm complaining about the changes, I'm not. They have been wonderful changes, but the brain of someone who has my disorder is wired a little differently than others and changes, especially those coming in rapid succession and throw someone like me off kilter. You see, I need time to deal with any change, good or bad.
The biggest change has been to my marital status...a HUGE change. I love Mike, love him very, very much, it's not that I don't. It's all me, you see. It's a ginormous change, going from a single parent for 12 years, to a married woman in the course of 7 months, and becoming an at home mom at the same time. I know that this has been a huge change for Mike as well. I have loved the change, there have been a couple of rough patches, but nothing serious. Then I had a death in the family recently, something that I am still dealing with and the fact that my mother is going to have her knee replaced on the 20th has me afraid, more afraid than I normally would be. I know my aunt's death, the suddeness of it in surgery, is why I'm afraid for my mother. The fact that she has diabetes doesn't help either. Normally, I cope well, just not this time and it's all because of the way my brain is wired. Then there are the daily worries, things that I've had to be hypervigilant about for the last few years, that I can relax about now...as soon as I figure out how to do that...this for the most part is tied to my not having to go it alone anymore. And I'm so used to going it alone. It's stressful, learning to to share the responsibilities, toilet cleaning jokes aside.
So Mike took me to the doctor today, and I'm starting my Prozac again. I just have to hang on until the meds kick in, and I'm pretty sure I can. I know that I have to make sure I eat, that I get out of bed and dress, make sure I keep to my normal schedule and make sure that I take care of myself. This too shall pass, this episode in life.
It's just so frustrating.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)