A few years ago,December 2003 to be precise, a major even occured in my personal life. I had what I call a nervous breakdown, and I know it's not a "medical term" but it's the best way I know how to describe what happened to me.
Basically, I ended up being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I can honestly say that my breakdown was one of the best things that ever happened to me, because the many months of intense and concentrated therapy, brought to the surface things long buried and also in facing the demons that needed facing, and knowing that I wasn't the only person on the planet who felt and thought the way that I thought, was cleansing. My breakdown also, thanks to therapy, finally taught me to speak up for myself, to acknowledge that I'm not a super human and that my faults are not as earthshattering as I thought them to be.
I also learned that I have suffered from this disorder all of my life (most likely) which made sense as I looked back in hindsight at peroids of my life that were particularly hellish. It was so relieving to discover these things!
That said, for the last couple of weeks I've been feeling the symptoms of a depressive episode coming on, and like an idiot, decided to not so much ignore them, but to think that things wouldn't be as bad as they were in 2003. I had a few minor episodes since 2003, the most serious being when I took Chantix to quit smoking, one cannot do that with Depressive Disorder and I still thank God for my friend Jason staying on the phone with me till 3AM. For the most part, however, the few episodes of "depression" I've had after the breakdown, have been minor and treatable without having to go to therapy or take Prozac. However, the last few weeks have felt different, my moods swinging all Tarzan like, body aches, headaches and the extreme tiredness; all signs that something big is on the offing. I chose to ignore them and this morning the scale tipped into the blackness.
Which frightens the hell out of me, because I don't ever want to go through another 2003. Even though I can look back on it and be grateful that it happened, being in the thick of it was pure and painful Hell. Getting to the other side of it, all of those long months was the hardest thing I have ever done, the most painful thing I've ever done and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I suppose that I really shouldn't be shocked that this happened, given all of the changes that have happened in my life this year. It's not that I'm complaining about the changes, I'm not. They have been wonderful changes, but the brain of someone who has my disorder is wired a little differently than others and changes, especially those coming in rapid succession and throw someone like me off kilter. You see, I need time to deal with any change, good or bad.
The biggest change has been to my marital status...a HUGE change. I love Mike, love him very, very much, it's not that I don't. It's all me, you see. It's a ginormous change, going from a single parent for 12 years, to a married woman in the course of 7 months, and becoming an at home mom at the same time. I know that this has been a huge change for Mike as well. I have loved the change, there have been a couple of rough patches, but nothing serious. Then I had a death in the family recently, something that I am still dealing with and the fact that my mother is going to have her knee replaced on the 20th has me afraid, more afraid than I normally would be. I know my aunt's death, the suddeness of it in surgery, is why I'm afraid for my mother. The fact that she has diabetes doesn't help either. Normally, I cope well, just not this time and it's all because of the way my brain is wired. Then there are the daily worries, things that I've had to be hypervigilant about for the last few years, that I can relax about now...as soon as I figure out how to do that...this for the most part is tied to my not having to go it alone anymore. And I'm so used to going it alone. It's stressful, learning to to share the responsibilities, toilet cleaning jokes aside.
So Mike took me to the doctor today, and I'm starting my Prozac again. I just have to hang on until the meds kick in, and I'm pretty sure I can. I know that I have to make sure I eat, that I get out of bed and dress, make sure I keep to my normal schedule and make sure that I take care of myself. This too shall pass, this episode in life.
It's just so frustrating.
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